Kyle Danger Madigan
by Duke Vertigo
Summary: Kyle Madigan, No.9 and many more of your favorite Parasite Eve characters are thrown into the world of Austin Powers. I have totally gone insane with this. :)
1. Default Chapter

Here I will place a few of your beloved Parasite Eve characters in basically the same plot line as Austin Powers! In the words of Stimpy from Ren and Stimpy...Happy Happy Joy Joy! I have made a few alterations but this is for those of you who love Austin Powers and feel like having a good laugh. Note that Austin Powers isn't the only movie displayed.  
  
-September 30, 2002  
  
One year after Kyle Madigan had apparently failed to assassinate No. 9, No. 9 returned to bring a small amount of havoc to our planet. But, Kyle once again caught up to him and No. 9 escaped by cryogenically froze himself and blasted into space.  
  
In case Nine would ever return Kyle volunteered to have himself frozen. He is currently at the cryogenic freezing lab in England.  
  
-October 30, 2002 (Naval Base on California Coast)  
  
"Sir, I've got something on radar." A navy sailor called out.  
  
"What is it Johnson?" The Lieutenant demanded.  
  
"Well," Johnson hesitated, "It appears to be in the shape of Colonel Sanders."  
  
The Lieutenant became horrified. "Oh dear God..."  
  
-Cryogenic Freezing Lab  
  
"So it's true, No. 9 has returned," an English officer questioned.  
  
"Yes, I am afraid so," R replied.  
  
"Now, you say you have a man who can stop him?"  
  
"Yes, his name is Kyle Madigan. He has fought nine before and has more knowledge of his weaknesses than any other man alive." R turned to a frozen tube containing the agent that would be after Nine.  
  
After reanimation Kyle was strapped to a table as scientists did some last minute tests.  
  
"How are you feeling Kyle?" R asked seeing that Kyle was now awake.  
  
"I am rather well. How about you Q?" Kyle replied politely.  
  
"No Kyle, Q retired 6 years ago. I'm R, remember?"  
  
"6 years ago? How long have I been frozen?"  
  
"30 days Kyle. You were still awake when he retired and I took over as the engineer of all the gadgets you use."  
  
"Wait a minute? Aren't you the one who gives me my missions?" Kyle was obviously getting confused.  
  
"On a different note, your partner will be Agent Brea for this mission."  
  
"Aya?" Kyle was pleased to hear that name.  
  
"No, no Kyle. It's her daughter, Mariko. She is 28 years old." Mariko walked in behind R.  
  
"Q, do you mean to tell me that Aya has a 28 year old daughter even though I've been frozen for thirty days?" Everyone nodded. "Huh, makes sense."  
  
"Wait, did you call me Q again?" R asked impatiently.  
  
"Yeah," Kyle couldn't stop staring at Mariko.  
  
"Damn it! I'm R!"  
  
"Oh, you're the one who gives me my orders."  
  
"No, I make the gadgets. M gives you your mission briefings."  
  
Kyle became incredibly confused. "Aren't you M?"  
  
"I'm R! I make gadgets. M gives you orders."  
  
"I thought Q made the gadgets."  
  
"I make the gadgets damn it!" R got really furious and stormed out of the room.  
  
"Wait! Who in the hell is Q?"  
  
-Storage Locker  
  
Kyle and Mariko were here to pick up the items Kyle left for safekeeping.  
  
The security guard took out a bin and began reading off a checklist. "One pair of Jeans and a wool sweater." Kyle accepted gratefully since he was in only a bathrobe. The guard named off a few other items but Kyle kept staring at the beautiful young Mariko who looked just like her mother. The guard pulled out an odd looking item. "One British made Ass Pounder." Kyle snapped out of his gaze.  
  
"That isn't mine. I've never even seen such a thing." Mariko began snickering to herself.  
  
"One lifetime warranty for the British made Ass Pounder signed by Kyle Madigan."  
  
"Oh come on. Some one is playing a prank on me."  
  
The guard pressed a button on the machine and a shiny aluminum rod began jerking back and forth.  
  
"Only a gay man would need this sort of a contraption!" Kyle protested. Mariko burst out laughing.  
  
"One book titled "British Made Ass Pounder...and you all thought I was strait," By Kyle Madigan." The guard put all of this in the crate and handed it to Kyle, as Mariko laughed her ass off.  
  
A/N: I have just this so far. I'll write more later. 


	2. Default Chapter

Kyle, Danger, Madigan.  
  
Ch. 2  
  
As Kyle stormed out of the storage lock up R walked in with a big grin on his face. He handed the guard a large bribe. "Thank you Paul."  
  
"Any time Q," Paul replied as he counted the money.  
  
"I'm R."  
  
"Does it really matter?" Paul tucked the money into his wallet.  
  
**  
  
-Secret Underground Lair (473 West Ave. Denver Colorado)-  
  
"Welcome back No. 9," Fred Bowman greeted the large man.  
  
"Thank you Fred," No. 9 sat in his rotating chair at the head of a long black table. "I see some new and old faces."  
  
"Ah yes, I shall cover the introductions." Fred walked between two people. "As you know, here we have Mitochondria Eve and Hal Baldwin, who has just recently broken out of prison." He walked over to a beautiful young blonde and put his hand on her shoulder. "This is my new secretary, Anita Cocke."  
  
No. 9 coughed into his Mocha Latte he was drinking. "What did you say?"  
  
"Anita Cocke," she restated.  
  
Bowman moved over to an Irishman sitting at the other end of the table from No. 9. "This is world famous child assassin, Trix."  
  
"You kill kids?" No. 9 asked. Trix nodded. "Are you capable of killing adults?"  
  
"I am fully capable of killing adults," Trix stated, "but Trix is just for kids." Everyone in the room burst out laughing. "Why is it people laugh every time I say that?!" Trix went red in the face.  
  
"It's a cereal commercial," Mitochondria Eve answered. "This little bunny keeps trying to steal the trix cereal but he always fails and the little kids say, "silly rabbit, trix is for kids," and the rabbit gets depressed as the kiddies eat up all the cereal."  
  
"Well, that is all for the introductions." Bowman informed.  
  
"Not quite Fred," Eve interrupted. "Remember No. 9, that if it didn't look like you were coming back that we should try and create you a son."  
  
"No, but continue." No. 9 said.  
  
Well after a couple of weeks we got a little impatient...ULTIMATE BEING!!!" she yelled so loud that everyone's eardrums nearly burst.  
  
A door in the back opened, with punk rock music blasting, and the Ultimate Being floated out.  
  
No. 9 put his pinky to his lip. "He's so evil looking!" No. 9 reached out for a hug.  
  
The green monster of mitochondria hovered in front of No. 9. It suddenly spoke. "Whoa, I haven't even seen you my entire life, and now you expect a relationship?"  
  
"What?" No. 9 protested. "I'm hip, I'm cool." No. 9 suddenly hit a button on a remote he had, and then he started dancing like Christina Aguilara to the music video, "Dirty."  
  
For the first time in all history of mitochondria, the Ultimate Being was frightened. It hovered quickly back to its room.  
  
"Anyway," No. 9 returned to his chair. "I have devised an evil plan to get us a lot of money. First, we make it appear that former president Bill Clinton had an affair with a young intern unless he pays us, a hefty ransom."  
  
"Ahem," Hal Baldwin cleared his throat.  
  
"Yes," No. 9 waited for a reply.  
  
"Um, that already happened. Bill Clinton did have an affair. In fact, that happened will you were still on this planet."  
  
"Okay then, we shall make a movie called "The Cable Guy," and have Jim Carrey star in it and ruin his carreer." Bowman cleared his throat again. "What now?"  
  
"Well, that movie has already come out, even when you were still unfrozen, and it nearly did ruin Jim Carrey's career."  
  
"Fine, how bout we do what we always do. Steal mitochondria technology and use it to take over the planet."  
  
Everyone nodded in agreement. 


End file.
